| Widows and Widowers Remarriage - a second chance for happiness |
| Widows and widowers considering remarriage may face conflicting emotions. Finding love again and re-marrying after you've lost a spouse can give you a whole new lease on life. You should celebrate this new step and know that you deserve to be happy, but tread lightly in a few areas that may be sensitive. |
| When true love is discovered by a widow or widower, there are frequently family members, such as children or in-laws, or even friends who may raise objections. They may feel it's a betrayal of your lost spouse, that it's too soon to be re-marrying wisely or that your new love doesn't compare well to the spouse you've lost. |
| Understand and remind them gently that all people are different and special in their own right and that re-marrying will surely never make you forget your lost spouse. Assure them you would never expect to replace the person you've lost, only to find a different experience and relationship that can bring you happiness in the years ahead. |
| Your own emotions are likely to be complex as well. Psychologists have found that the prospect of remarriage, even years after the loss of a spouse, can reawaken deep feelings. At the extreme, you may feel you are being unfaithful to your late husband or wife. |
| In addition, you will inevitably compare your lost spouse with your new spouse. All of these emotions are a normal part of the transition into your remarriage. So are you planning a remarriage? |
| Yes, why should you not take the opportunity of a second chance at happiness? |
| Of course, this time around things will be different. Anyone who has been married already comes with memories of a previous relationship. These may be loving and happy ones, or in some cases they may be painful or bitter. So it is important to know that you have given yourself time to grieve over your loss, and that you are not simply filling a void left there by the death of a life-partner. |
| Love this time around, may feel differently to the heady falling-in-love of a younger man or woman, and yet maturity will have taught you that there are many different ways of loving. Love can come at any age. Who said only the very young can fall in love? And it may have surprised when you felt once more a surge of sexual feelings which you thought had gone for ever. |
| If you have kids, then you should take the time to help them get to know your new partner. Don't take their acceptance for granted! Depending on their ages they will have different reactions. They may feel guilt and confusion about "replacing" a beloved lost parent. Younger kids, especially, may feel they are being shunted aside and resent having to share your affections with another person. Your children may feel competitive with or jealous of your new partner. These feelings are entirely normal and should disappear eventually. But it will probably take time for your children to get to know and accept your future spouse. Talk to them and listen to their concerns. |
| The important thing is to talk to your intended about everything: money, children, where you will live, different habits and routines you like. And be prepared for change. Be flexible enough to know that you will need to make some compromises too. Planning a wedding after the death of a spouse may bring up some bittersweet memories - perhaps for you both. Be kind to each other, talk to each other about the past, and recognize sensitive issues. Don't begin to fret that your partner is into comparisons, and don't get caught in that trap yourself. |
| Reassure your family that you have considered this decision carefully and believe you are making it for the right reasons. Ask them for their support. Acknowledge that you've all suffered a loss together and that getting beyond the pain is goal you all share. |
| Once you've decided to marry, you want all of your friends and family, particularly if you have got children, to bring their love and support to this special new relationship. You deserve a chance to begin an exciting new chapter in your life. And if you get off to a good start, you're more likely to see your dreams unfold. |
