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Seven tips on Re-marriage and Stepfamilies
Tip 1: Mind Compatibility
Tip 2: Be A Friend First
Tip 3: Blending Yours, Mine, and Ours
Tip 4: Avoiding a Second Spouse Like Your First
Tip 5: Building strengths in stepfamilies
Tip 6: Take Time For Each Other
Tip 7: Fundamentals to Surviving in a Re-marriage
 
1. Mind Compatibility
Before remarrying many individuals are a little hesitant to remarry and rightly so. It is important that individuals should look at the Compatibility which is a set of common interests, values, priorities and goals that make two people to have a powerful shared context we call it the Mind Compatibility. This is very important that individuals should look into before remarrying. Unfortunately, too many people remarry a second time without getting a clear understanding of who they are marrying. Therefore, We suggest that before remarriage individuals take a second look at the person they are marrying. For example, how does your potential spouse deal with your children, his/her family. It is important to take time and get to know the other person well.
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2. Be A Friend First
Many step-parents worry about what their role should be with new step-children. Most professionals agree that the most important role that step-parents can take is the role of a friend. Step-parents who are placed in the role of decision maker for step-children early in the new marriage are being placed in a risky place. Be a friend first and let the biological parent do the disciplining. This isn´t a secret it is just plain smart.
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3. Blending Yours, Mine, and Ours
Putting two families together takes a big effort from everyone involved. It is not easy to blend two families together, but it can be done. Here are a few ideas for helping you put your family together. First, prior to remarriage or soon after remarriage take time on a regular basis to discuss potential problems. Second, spend some time together as a whole family (this helps create new stories). Third, establish family rules such as in this family we don´t talk bad about each other, we support and lift each other up. Fourth, on a regular basis evaluate and re-evaluate what is working and what isn´t working. Let everyone discuss what their feeling and thinking. Fifth, each child should have some individual time with their biological parent.
Blending a family together takes a big effort, nevertheless, it can be very rewarding to everyone involved as all family members will learn how to resolve differences.
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4. Avoiding a Second Spouse Like Your First
Too many times people divorce and remarry only to find that their second spouse is much like their first spouse. You must avoid comparing a second spouse with a first one. Every person is unique and different, you have to learn what are the signs to look for in someone who won´t be a good spouse? First, watch for controlling statements or actions. Second, listen to your instincts. Third, observe your potential partner in lots of settings rather than just a few (observe how he/she is around your family, his/her family, around your friends). Fourth, become friends before you take your relationship to a deep intimate level.
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5. Building strengths in stepfamilies
To build strength in stepfamilies re-married couples should:
nurture the couple relationship so that the new marriage will survive and thrive
find person space and time to relax and unwind from the challenges of a stepfamily
nurture family relationships by spending time with each of the new family members
maintain a close parent-child relationship
focus on the stepparent-stepchild relationship
build family trust and set ground rules about dealing with the children
strengthen stepfamily ties through a family discussion every week or two
work at keeping the bridges open to the children's other household so that co-parenting can work smoothly
don't discuss about ex-spouses in front of the kids
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6. Take Time For Each Other
Many re-marriages start off busy. Putting two homes into one, or joining one family with another. Such events make it difficult to really enjoy the new union that has been formed. Therefore, we suggest to all newlyweds that you take time for each other. It is helpful if you plan time for each other. Then you must make sure that you carry out your plans. It is in the first few months that you will establish patterns that will last throughout your marriage.
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7. Fundamentals to Surviving in a Re-marriage
In order to function effectively a step-family must have and maintain the following characteristics.
They must be commited to each other and be willing to make the effort necessary to create change. Many people in their second marriage have said, "if I would have worked this hard in my first marriage we would have never divorced".
Everyone in a re-marriage needs to feel a sense of unity, a feeling of closeness, and they need to feel like they are part of the new family.
Effective communication and problem solving is essential skill in new families. This requires extra time and effort in trying to understand each others needs.
It is essential for clear boundaries to be established. Newly re-married couples need to establish rules and roles. This includes who does the parenting of the children. What is the step-parents role. These boundaries should be discussed early and often.
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